Any time someone talks about threesome sex, or a media article about group sex appears, we can predict as sure as night follows day that the reactions will include all sorts of horror stories. “I did this, and it destroyed my relationship!” is a common theme among folks who will confess to trying their hand at non-monogamous sex. “When I saw my partner with someone else, I flipped out and felt jealous!” is another. It’s been my observation that stories of positive threesome experiences, when compared with threesome horror stories, are pretty thin on the ground.
I suppose one take-away lesson from that is “don’t read the comments.” And I’m not saying that’s a bad lesson; any time I read the comments on just about any Internet story or news article or (God help me) YouTube video, I weep for humanity.
But it’s got me to wondering, why do the bad stories outweigh the good? Is it because having a threesome really is that dangerous, that fraught with emotional turmoil?
Maybe, but I think there’s another possible explanation as well. I think that it’s easier to talk without consequence about the threesome that went wrong than the threesome that went well, because the story fo the threesome that went wrong reaffirms cultural norms. We’re steeped in a society that sees monogamous sex as the only sanctioned sort of sexual activity. Tales of threesomes that were happy, wildly successful, uplifting experiences fly in the face of that cultural trope, while stories of threesomes that led to disaster and heartache affirm it. The person who explores group sex, has a bad experience, and returns chastened to the monogamous fold is validating the cultural expectations about sex and relationships.
It is rare indeed for folks who have monogamous sex that ends in disaster to say “See? Don’t have monogamous sex! It only leads to tears!” Instead, the blame the particulars of that relationship–the people involved weren’t right for each other, it was a bad match, other things happened. When threesome sex goes wrong, though, it’s always the threesome itself, not the particular mix of people or the specific choices they made, that’s at fault.
So it seems to me that in many cases, the “threesomes are a disaster!” voices outweigh the “Threesomes can be awesome!” voices simply because it is more socially acceptable to talk about the threesome that went bad than to talk about the threesome that didn’t.
I personally have had many successful, enjoyable threesomes (and foursomes, and occasionally moresomes). I lost my virginity in a threesome; my best friend was dating a woman I had a crush on, and rather than that being a source of tension or animosity between us, we all three worked out a relationship that was mutually beneficial. To this day, I remain quite a fan of the erotic possibilities of more than two.
What do you think? I’d like to hear your stores of successful group sex, that didn’t go the way that society says these things must go. What made it successful to you? How did it benefit you? Would you do it again? What positive things did you take away from it? You can register here for an anonymous account to reply with, if you like; there’s no need to use your real name.