Sexual Double Standards and Complicity

Quite some time ago, I had a strange dream. In this dream I’d met and made friends with a woman. Don’t recall her clearly–long black hair, big brown eyes, that’s all that stuck.

Anyway, in the dream, shortly after we became friends, a group of researchers pulled me aside and explained to me that she wasn’t actually a woman at all. She was a synthetic construct–body engineered and grown in a vat, brain a gigantic supercomputer kept in a huge facility elsewhere in town and remotely operating the body. She was not aware of any of this; she was actually an experiment in artificial intelligence, socialization, and the development of self, carefully monitored over the past thirty years. The place where she lived–a gorgeous penthouse suite, indoor pool and all–was closely monitored ’round the clock, and all her interactions with the outside world were carefully regulated. She was encouraged to keep a private diary, which she believed was secret but which was actually published monthly in a trade journal about AI and machine consciousness.

They took me up to the control room and let me read some of the back issues of the journal. One of her diary entries was particularly strange; she’d somehow got her hands on a book of basic anatomy, and was utterly perplexed that the book showed things that she didn’t have. Specifically, the book showed reproductive and sex organs, and she had nothing of the sort–no sexual organs whatsoever between her legs. No labia, no vagina, nothing. The researchers, somewhat shamefacedly, said they had been too embarrassed to put them in the design when they were growing the body.


I woke up really, really pissed off, with nothing to attach the pissed-off-ness to. It took some introspection to figure out what the pissed-off-ness was connected with; this bizarre and nearly universal sexual shame that we as a species seem to attach to female sexuality.

I’m not talking about the schizophrenic Puritanical sexual asshattery that we in the US attach to sex in general. I’m talking about a hatred of sexual expression in women that’s so virulent that entire societies will surgically mutilate women to prevent them from enjoying the act of sex.

And make no mistake about it–the impulse to label sexually promiscuous men as “studs” and sexually promiscuous women as “whores” is no different in kind; it is the exact same impulse, merely taken to a different but equally illogical conclusion, that drives folks to get out the scalpels.

And it’s everywhere. It’s not just a handful of societies. It’s not just a few places. It’s everywhere. The ancient Israelites had all kinds of weird religious rules about touching women when they were ‘unclean,’ that speaks to a level of institutionalized abhorrence and fear of basic reproductive biology that’s mind-boggling. In Hindu societies, a woman who committed adultery was publicly executed after first having her sex organs cut off with a knife–and the real kicker is that for this purpose, “adultery” could be defined as “talking with a man and touching his clothing.”

This is a level of fucked-up-ness I can’t quite wrap my head around. Seems like everyone’s just scared silly of women’s sexuality. Seriously, WTF?


The part that really blows my mind, though, and the part I really don’t get, is the extent to which women themselves buy into this kind of thing. One thing that consistently mazes me on online forums that have anything to do with discussions of sex or sexuality–any time a woman talks about how much she likes sex, or about enjoying any kind of non-traditional sexual arrangements, especially things like polyamory or (God forbid) casual sex, there will be a handful of guys who’ll say things like “slut!”–but they have to stand in line behind all the women who’re screaming it, too.

And I really want to grab some of these women and shake them and say “WTF is wrong with you? Don’t you understand that by slinging around words like “slut” and “whore,” you’re participating in your own sexual disenfranchisement? What are you thinking?”

And I’m not even talking about the fun use of the word “slut,” as in the “My, aren’t YOU a naughty little vixen? I have just the thing for a naughty slut like you!” that some of my sweeties so enjoy hearing.

So, naturally, I woke up my girlfriend to talk about it.


Enlightening conversation, it was.

She is of the opinion that, popular opinion to the contrary, women are if anything fare more competitive and far more hierarchical than men are. Take a group of three female friends in a bar, she says. Each of them knows precisely what her place in the hierarchy is. If they spot a group of three men across the bar, they’ve already decided which one gets who before the first words are even exchanged. Should one of the men approach the “wrong” woman, her friends will smoothly step in and cock-block him, and order is restored. With, naturally, the men none the wiser.

It starts in grade school, she says–a formalized, competitive hierarchy of popularity and subtle social status, with rigorous standards about which women are eligible to compete for which men. It continues through high school and college, and even carries out into the adult world–often, she says, women wear makeup and jewelry not for the direct benefit of men, but rather to signal to other women their status and intentions in the competition.

And it’s a ruthless competition, with a high cost for those who refuse to buy in.

The cost of not buying in? The women who don’t compete in this way, or who pursue men deemed above their status or outside their league? These are the women labeled “slut” and “tramp”–not by men, but by other women.

Color me astonished; none of this had ever occurred to me.

The internalization of sexual disempowerment becomes, in a strange and twisted way, a tool for creating stability and ranking worth. I think it’s time we reconsidered setting up hierarchies that way.

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3 Responses to Sexual Double Standards and Complicity

  1. Claire says:

    Men who call women slut get the reward of solidifying their power base.
    Women who calm women slut are trying to shift their abusers (men who slut shame) attention onto a different target. It’s an attempt for a reprieve. It’s a similar psychological process as Stockholm syndrome IMHO. Men wield a lot of power in almost all societies. Women have limited options on how to get by in that atmosphere. Rebellion is logical, but high in cost. Many women choose to trade off or never even notice that they are making that trade off since most cultural messages teach that this power imbalance is “natural” and unchangable.

  2. Becca says:

    This is fascinating to me. In spite of being female myself, there are many things I don’t understand about women. The example given, of friends in a bar, is something I knew nothing about, not that I doubt it’s true; it sounds like exactly the type of female behavior I dislike. I suppose I’m one of those who refused to “buy in.” I was never popular in school; many kids, especially other girls, already disliked and excluded me because I was smart (something usually brought to their attention by teachers, who can be remarkably insensitive about children’s behavior). I had nothing to lose by refusing to participate in the pettiness and catty behavior of the girls (“Let’s play with Suzy. What? You want to play with Penny? No, we don’t like Penny anymore. Just look at her cheap clothes! You don’t want to be her friend.”). So my friends have always been mostly guys, and a few girls who also were excluded or refused to “buy in.”

    Interestingly, I have never been called a slut, at least not that I’m aware of (except by my mother, when she caught me with a boy). I certainly have the behavior to warrant it; I have always embraced my sexuality, and never limited the number of partners I chose. By college I was thoroughly enjoying sex and had quit wearing makeup, having realized that the type of guy I liked cared not at all whether I wore it or not. It was well-known around the dorm that I had two boyfriends. Later on in the adult world I discovered and embraced polyamory, as well as the enjoyment of sex with friends, outside of romantic relationships. By then I couldn’t have joined into female society if I wanted to, having never studied the etiquette. I much preferred the simplicity of male society. Still nobody called me a slut. Do you suppose that I was just so socially clueless that I never noticed that other women talked about me behind my back? It’s certainly possible. Because I have never valued the attention or opinions of those who “buy in” (men and women both–men who “buy in” being the guys who value women by their makeup, hairstyles and the cost of their clothing), or paid attention to them.

    At this point in my life, I have no way of knowing if I’m being called a slut, as I have no female friends to take notice of it on my behalf. I have plenty of lovers and male friends. I don’t dislike women; but I don’t know how to relate to them. Which is sad, since I’m bisexual. But as far as I know, no one calls me a slut or a tramp.

  3. valkyrie says:

    As a woman, I have never experienced that “three friends in a bar” situation, but then I’ve never been very typically female. I do wonder, however, if there’s something else at play. The “good girls,” who follow all the rules and suppress their sexual desires for fear of repercussions (pregnancy and STDs, but also being slut-shamed, or disowned by their parents, or excommunicated from their churches) want to be rewarded for being “good.” They resent women who go out and enjoy themselves, and feel that they should have to face negative consequences for their behavior. When we follow all the rules that we are told will lead to success, we tend to become very resentful that our good behavior hasn’t led us to happiness. And we tend to want to lash out against those who seem to get all the rewards without the hard work.

    There also may be simple fear that a slut will “steal your man.” When people break social rules we have no way to know how far they will go. Women who are willing to sleep around might be willing to sleep around with someone else’s husband. So other women feel they need to do whatever it takes to discourage that behavior.

    It hasn’t been that long a time since women depended on men for their very survival (and in some places still do, of course). So having a slut steal your man wasn’t just a matter of disappointment or humiliation–it could leave you destitute. Even though women in the U.S. and Europe no longer need a husband to get by financially and socially, I don’t think we’ve outgrown that mindset culturally.

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